A Music Festival Survival Guide (from The Ocelot July ’14)

Spork? Check. Digeridoo? Check. Canoe? Check. Yes, it’s festival season once more and here are a few useful tips to help you survive any eventuality that the hipster mating season can throw at you. The first obstacle is road congestion caused by all these migratory designer beards and their handlers, so if possible set off at least 5 days before the festival starts to ensure disappointment and similarly for a stress free return journey, head for home as soon as you hear the first band of the weekend announce “Hello Newport Pagnell” or which ever salubrious locale you find yourself in.

If, however, you decide to stay and watch some of the 200 acts appearing on the bill, remember that with careful planning you might get to see as many as eight of them over the weekend. Top billing may go to two of your favourite bands but obviously they will be appearing simultaneously at opposite ends of the festival. Promoters are just like that I’m afraid.

You should always get drunk before attempting to put your tent up, this will ensure a video of what follows will go viral on You Tube within a week and after all that’s the reason you go to festivals isn’t it? Be honest now.

If you find yourself taken short whilst deep in a sea of ironic knitwear and designer wellies and you don’t want to lose your space, just wee into a plastic pint cup and lob it in a majestic arc at the bassist, trying to inflict splash damage on as many Kings of Leon fans as you can along the way.

Festivals are expensive and alcohol inside the arena has a market value akin to platinum so why not build your own moonshine still and maybe make enough money to buy a plate of chick pea falafel and rice that has been boiled for three days.

And ladies, if the urge strikes you to climb on your boyfriends shoulders and “get them out” during Kasabians’ set, remember that your Dad, Mr Patel who runs the mini-mart and the sleazy curtain twitcher at number 7 will all be watching this via extended coverage on BBC3.

Have fun out there kiddies.